"The speaker realizes that he is 'attracted by ... my own annihilation' (lines 4-5), and he vacillates in an internal debate between desire and self protection." (pg.657)
I think this word could mean something like the character is getting lost in his thoughts.
Vacillates- to waver in mind or opinion; be indecisive or irresolute. (Dictionary.com)
This definition helps me understand that the character is having a hard time making the decision to engage in relations with these men or not. It's not just that he is getting lost in his thoughts it is that he truly can't make a decision. He wants to fulfill his "desire" and be with these men but it's not that simple because he knows that it could be dangerous.
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